A tryst with Depression

A tryst with Depression

Being a much loved child, a carefree one at that when I could play with anyone I wanted in the little street that I lived in; with many boys and girls my age when we could eat food from the vendors, where the local pappad wala made sure he gave me a little bigger pappad, a little more green chutney; when the small giant wheel on rollers were filled with my playmates; when we put up a grand stall for Janamashtami; whenmy mother made biryani for Id and many other celebrations; when we watched the Republic Day on the television and wait for the tableau and the flypast with bated breath; when my father got a tin of chocolate drink for new year’s eve and we would sit and watch the program on TV till midnight and in the absence of phones shout a Happy New Year greeting my the balcony;  good books and getting most of the things I wanted; going to a good school, with loving teachers and being told there could never be any better……………..all glimpses into my happy childhood!

Alas, that was not all, there was also the moving to Delhi form Cochin, not knowing Hindi, going to a Kindergarten school speaking in Malayalam and having the teachers and students laughing at me; the bigness of the school that was to come after the kintergarden; the war of 1971, when I was scared to bits of the siren, the fighter jets flying low, I was scared of biting into an apple for the fear that the pilots may know that I am on the gound below; the lonliness of being an only child; the pressure to do well in studies; a much loved sister being born when I was 10 years old and making me her mother in my mind; the worrying about her admission to school, her grades, her well being in the school bus; the emergency and an actively protesting father and worry about his safety; the worry about moving houses, whether we will get a new home to stay in; the riots of 1984, my father defying the curfew to go to the police station to file complaints and worrying till he came home; worry started coming naturally to me and by the time I was 13 years old, I worried everyday and I worried so much that I would worry if I am not worried.  I woke up thinking what would go wrong and I had headaches almost every week that lasted atleast 2 days.

Then I got married and I thought I feel better but the adjustment, even though we stayed at home with my parents was huge.  I started working and I had a very different life and a very different me at work.  At work I was a carefree, laughed a lot and made friends but at home I was the caregiver, the on in charge, protecting my sister, protecting my parents, fighting every situation and fighting health conditions, others moods, fighting my father’s illness.  My father’s deteriorating condition puzzled me, bore to my core, why, how, what……

Somtime, by the time I was 17 or 18 years old the joy went out of my life, just like that like a switch turned off.  I felt I was by myself, successes in school did not make me happy, despite many friends I felt lonely, all friendships were superficial.  I hated being in the limelight whether at school or outside, I could not manage big groups of friend and stuck to one or two best friends.  Who knew that all of it was depression.  I nver know any better and thought it is how everyone feels and how everyone is.

Later anger reared it head, I became extremely judgemental of people, socially and at work.  Many time it was “my way or highway”; I drew myself and others a very strict line on what is right, what is ethical and what is the true way;  I became holier than thou!

Certainly, this was not the end all, I worried about my health; every small disease became larger than life, a cold and cough and I would think of lung cancer, I had severe endometriosis and metaplasia and my gynaecologist spent many sessions trying to say she has done a cry freezing and cauterisation to help relieve my pain, I got a false positive reuslt for Lupus and I worried for atleast a coupld of years before I got over my fear, a false positve test for thyroid cancer and I survived it in my mind!  I fought my mind and I fouhg tmy fears and I fought with all my might for the love of my daughter Veda and kept going with the sole aim of loving her wiht all my heart and bringher her up with care and freedom.  She was and is the purpose in my life.

In 2014, I was diagnosed with depression by Dr. Pallavi Joshi, after my General Physician, Dr. Ramya suggested I meet her, since my BP was uncontrolled.  Then with her treatment and her love and support there was not looking back.  The medicines are a life saver, I wish I had recognized my illeness, that someone had recognized my illness and have meet a psychiatrist.

Today, I live with depression but I am aware and i know the bad and the good days and I know how to take care of myself on those days.  That my friends is having a tryst with depression, accepting it and living with it is much better than not knowing and living the pain!