I would like to start by mentioning that for me my career is the most ameliorating factor while fighting and dealing with depression. For years, without knowing that I am depressed, I have held reasonably responsible positions and delivered my responsibilities diligently. I have also managed to run my own boutique HR consulting firm during the pre diagnosis days. I probably have been fighting this illness for almost 2 decades and I think I have done fairly well in all the jobs I held. I have made friends for a lifetime, I have mentors with whom I still discuss my concerns when i reach cross roads and I have current and erstwhile colleagues who I can each out any time I want to.That indeed sounds very rosy. However, there are a lot of personal struggles that I went through in my career. It is only after seeking medical help and post medication that I am now able to look back at my own career and share a few experiences that will hopefully benefit others. There is also a need to have a counsellor in-house, at workplaces, to help people like me who go about their routine without seeking help.

First, the constant feeling of wanting to prove oneself and now when I look back it comes somewhere from the back and beyond of y brain which tells me I am not good enough. There are days when this feeling completely and wholly takes over me and I have to lift this cloud to believe in myself on some days. Thus I strive for perfection and nothing less than perfect can be delivered. As a result, I used to question and check everything i did, my team delivered to me and anything that was not 100% was not good enough. I drove myself and maybe even my team to stressful limits to attain that perfection. With this, it was also important that all work was completed on time every time and asking for a changed deadline meant I was not good enough.

Second, while outwardly i appeared confident and smiling, the trauma of meeting new people, meetings with important stakeholders and clients and even meeting with my skip manager become anxious moments. What if I say the wrong thing, what if I make a mistake, what of the client pulls out the business because of a mistake I make. This becomes a very enlarged thought and is very scary. Therefore, I spoke less and less at meetings and even if I spoke it was on aspects thatI was sure of, I would never give any ideas for new thoughts because of the fear that people will make fun of it.

Third, in any large forum, specially if I am presenting, I become larger than life for myself and i feel the eyes and ears of the entire audience on me. I forget that I am not the only one in the room or that I have prepared and that it is possible that I know the subject well. Its a voice in my head that says “you are going to fail”. Anxiety takes over. My managers have always told me that I am good at speaking but that did not give me the confidence I needed to do well.

Fourth, the same went for networking and building relationships which is an integral part of a career. Anxiety kills the desire to network even when I got feedback from my managers and stakeholders that I need to network more. One of my mentors even helped me with a whole, organization wide project to help me network with the senior leadership team in the company I was working with. I did the job and ran the project and workshop as she wanted to the T and even got an award from the HR head for the same. Even then I feel that I delivered the project but failed to build relationships.

Given all the above, I think that while did a good job, I was always having a personal struggle which is very painful. It is my managers and colleagues who have held me together, trusting me, giving me the confidence and holding me when I needed tone held that I am where I am today despite my illness. To be caring at work and being non judgemental about our fellow colleagues and team members is very very important. If there are struggles like what I have mentioned above or similar anxiety I urge all to please talk to some one, your manager, your leader, your coach or your mentor and not fight it alone. If you feel you need to talk to a doctor do so, please do not delay that because you feel that everyone is dealing with similar issues. Mostly, they are not and it is some of us and we do need to seek help. You are not alone.