From Darkness to Light
It was daybreak but Preeti Menon Patnaik was reluctant to face the world. Sadness, inner turmoil, anxiety and a wave of darkness engulfed her, till she acknowledged that something was amiss. With the right treatment and approach, the clouds lifted, and happiness returned.
“My first thought of the day was, ‘It’s doomsday.’ There is pain in my ankles. My whole body aches. I’m engulfed by sadness and I just don’t want to get up. Why should I? There is nothing to look forward to. But then, I have to send my daughter off to school, my husband to office. My mother lives with us and I need to know that she is fine. I have responsibilities towards them all, including my sister. And, I have my own job too. I force myself to rise.
I felt sad and unwanted
“At work, I was nervous and fearful but overcame that by excelling in my tasks. But, I couldn’t tolerate dissent. It upset me if things did not go my way. ‘How can I not be right?’ I had trouble appreciating my colleagues. Often, I questioned and regretted my attitude. But then, the mind plays strange games, and I convinced myself that this was how everyone around me lived too. Apart from this, I had a lot of social inhibitions. I really wanted to have friends, but felt that I was not good enough. In addition, I was so anxious about myself that I felt inadequate. As a result, I was aloof. Also, I could not trust people easily. The fear of rejection stalked me. Though my family and friends showered me with love, I felt unloved and unwanted.
I reached a point of hopelessness
“I was afraid all the time. What’s worse, I wanted everything to be perfect. ‘What if I made mistakes?’ That was unthinkable. I was obsessed about being a perfect mother. Also, I wanted my daughter to have perfect grades, be the best in sports, take part and excel in all extracurricular activities. My child bore the brunt of my ambition. Over time, I became so dependent on my husband, that I was clingy. I found it difficult to take decisions, and sought advice for the silliest things, like scheduling an appointment for a haircut. Worse, I worried about the time I might have to be alone. Even if I took a decision myself, I worried if it was the right one. I reached a point when I could not do things by myself. When alone, I felt abandoned and helpless. I was on the brink of hopelessness.
I was full of guilt and anxiety
“It had been like this ever since I was in my late 20s. My life was preoccupied with rules, order and schedules that I would never bend. I was so inflexible that I wonder how people around me tolerated me. I took refuge in work. But, it was at the cost of leisure and friendships. While I did not see anything wrong in leading my life this way, and often told myself to stop moaning, the truth was that my life was gloomy and ireful. I was angry all the time. With myself for not being good enough, at work, at home, in relationships. What’s more, I blamed my mother too for being the root cause of my feelings. Even my manager was not spared. He was not doing things my way. I resented my husband for enjoying a game of golf with his friends. Guilt and anxiety were my constant companions. I was a mess.
I longed to be happy
Then, at the age of 48, I finally realised that there was something wrong with me. This was no way to live. My daily routine had become very difficult. I was in a dark, heavy, gloomy place. And, I wanted out. I wanted to be happy. It was time to see my doctor. She assured me that my high blood pressure had nothing to do with any physiological causes, and referred me to a psychiatrist. I had reached a point when I was ready to do anything to feel better. So, I met Dr Pallavi Joshi who comforted me and promised me that we would work together to get better. She explained that I needed medication to manage some chemical imbalance in my brain. That day, I resolved to get better.
I started turning around my life
After the first session, I began taking my medicines regularly and started going out for walks. The physical activity kick-started my day with a release of endorphins. It felt good. Dr Joshi taught me to relax my body and mind before sleeping. I took my husband along for the second session. That’s when she mentioned that I suffered from depression and a personality disorder. Gently, she explained that this was like any other disease and that it could and should be treated. There was no need for me to suffer in silence. I took my life in my hands and learnt to understand my condition, and accept it. While the medication worked, I learned to be gentle and kind to myself. Slowly, through the dark clouds of my mind, a sliver of happiness crept in. I couldn’t stop smiling.
Things began changing for the better
Soon, I started meeting my friends. My output at work got better, and my relationship with my colleagues improved. In fact, I am doing so well at work that I am proud of myself. There are things I don’t compromise on anymore. I never miss my morning walk. My neighbours too join me and we have a great time laughing and cracking jokes. Also, I take my medicines regularly. I have started gymming too. My relationships are more meaningful. I’ve understood how important it is to give space to the other person. Above all, I’m not anxious or sad anymore. While I give my best to my work, I tell myself that everything need not be perfect.
I have found happiness
Best of all, I take each day as it comes, and live in the moment. I no longer dwell in the past. The future too looks promising and bright. Life will take its course and I will follow that instead of trying to manage my future. Today, I feel liberated. I value life and am full of joy. I am a whole new person. And, it couldn’t have happened without the love and support of my family. I want to emphasise that it is certainly possible to live with or overcome a disease of the mind. All one needs to do is to start loving oneself.
Little Drops of Memories 