Dear Anxiety and Depression,

I have known you for sometime now but I am sure that you knew me much before that, it is just that I took some time to recognise you. I wondered why you chose me, whether I made any mistakes in my life, whether I did something wrong to deserve you.   It angered and saddened me.  It was at the insistence of my doctor, Dr. Pallavi Joshi that I befriended you and my medication helped to do it.  Now that we are friends I feel up to  welcoming you and live my life along with you.

Anxiety, you caused me worry and worry I did.  I worried about the past, the current and the future even when I knew that there was nothing to worry about.  A thousand times I have worried about my health and small illnesses were enlarged in my mind and I would live the diseases and various conditions even though I was free of them.  I needed to meet my physician constantly to make sure that I was fine and I needed that reassurance of well being.  To get the thoughts out of my mind, even if it was for a little while.  I worried of events in the future that may be, even though I tell myself that many a time in the past I have worried unnecessarily and the event or situation never happened.  Sometimes I liked to think of the worst and live through it in my head so that I could wish a happy ending and happy ending most of them were.

Depression, you caused me angst about my past, made me bitter about my life and I believed that I was bad and wrong and that I could not get anything right in my life.  I have a lovely family and the most adorable daughter, but I felt I did not deserve them.  I thought they were all too good for me.  My mother was pillar of strength and nothing could break her,  she was determined and she was practical, my sister was happy and cheery and lived her life to the full, my husband did not have any issues like I had and got along well with everyone amongst our friends, so then truly I felt that there was something wrong with me.  I was the odd one out.  I am blessed to have a family that understands me and my problems and helped me survive your visits.

Between you, you made me have bad moods, which lasted sometimes for ages.  I got up in the morning with a feeling of uncertainty, not knowing what would go wrong or waiting for something to go wrong.  I held this feeling till I went to bed at night and even then you will not allow sleep to conquer you and kept me awake or allowed me to sleep but sleep very light.  I would never feel rested.  I love my profession and I am excellent in my job but between you, you made me feel incompetent and insufficient.  I was nervous about meetings or making presentations because I felt a thousand eyes looking at me and judging me.  I am fortunate to have had colleagues and managers who supported me and stood by me.  I am thankful that many have given me an opportunity despite knowing about the trouble I have with you, that I can get anxious and depressed.  I am well now because of their belief in me.

Now that I have befriended you, I know you well and I am able to slowly teach myself to calm myself when you visit me.  In fact now, I can sense your arrival and prepare myself for your visits.  Even today I am apprehensive when you visit me but I feel more capable of being around you and feel that I have the ability to manage you.  Even now, there are bad days but I strive on in the belief that I am a survivor and I plod on.

To those reading this blog, please remember to look around the people you are with and be gentle and patient with some of us who live these struggles, we are constantly feeling tired and it takes a great effort sometimes to get daily chores done and get through a workday.  You will never know that we are having a bad day because we have got used to being told to get on but your caring helps us better on a bad day.  We get our strength from our family, our colleagues, our professions but do not tell us to “get on” because we already are getting on.

To those of us who survived and are surviving each day, cheers!!